Last night was a great time chatting with u..
But u really said some extremely hurtful things to me..

I may act like i'm not affected by it..
But in acutal fact..
When u say that sentence out..
I was totally devastated..
I really feel like crying..
It make me feel so useless of myself..
"Ben, i'll never ever like u"
That sentence kept on repeating inside my head..
It was really awful..

But seriously speaking..
I'm really glad that u didn't mean it..
And u actually go against ur pride to say that it wasn't true..

I feel really good..
5 hours of chatting.. WOW..
That's extremely long..

I'm really scared to call u..
I really want to hear your voice.. i really can't remember it as much now..
I remember the last time i called u was in may..
After your exams that day..
You sounded really excited..
That phone call reminded me of that time when i called u during ur prom..
As you were walking home alone so late at night..
and i was talking to u as you walk home alone..
Just to make sure that you are safe..
I was sick then.. was downstairs at 7-11.. buying my supper and some panadol.
Really like that time chatting with u.. it was a fast conversation
but in acutal fact, it was a super long one..

But those were really good memories i can say..
And i'll never forget them..

A lot of times i really feel like you never care or bother about me..
Bcoz you always seem so neutral about it..
I always feel that it's just me liking u that's all..
Totally one-sided..
Maybe till today i maybe thinking too much??..
but maybe things could have changed..
maybe you are starting to like me??..
U said once a few mths ago that if in 5 years time ur feelings did not change for me,
you'll certainly choose me..
What does that mean?..
Do you actually have feelings for me now??..
I really wanna know..

But regardless of everything..
One thing i really know is..
you do care about me and you do cherish me..
I hope that you'll open up urself more to me one day..
especially when i return..
I wish that when i step into the airport..
you'll be there in front with everyone..
waiting for me to come out..
and as i step out..
I'll go towards you and hug u and say "i'm back"
i wish that you'll one day tell me how much i meant to u..

but will these days ever come??..
I really hope so..
And i hope that it's not just my willful thinking once again..
or another bigger disappointment again..

I still miss u..
All the time we've spent together..
All the sms that we sent to each other..

Somehow that day, when we chatted via sms..
The feeling was really good..
I really miss those times when we sms each other the whole day..
And my bill will burst =.=" hahaha
it was really fun times that i have..
Really enjoy reading them..

I remember that at the end of the day,
Even when something bad happens,
i will read those sms that we sent..
To read them once again feel really good..
Bcoz i really had fun..
And at times, i'll laugh at myself saying..
"Oh man, i've made a fool of myself in front of her again" LOL..

those were indeed the days..
I wonder this time when i return in dec..
Will i ever get to experience such thing again??..
Will everything be the same as last time..
1 year is a long time..
But will it be enough for lots of changes??
Will there be changes??..
Will u even have time for me??.
Or what more even remember me??..

I just don't know what to do now..