11 Months

Dearest Weishan
Indeed 11 months has passed since the day when I first tell you about my feelings for you.
And yes indeed, time has really fly past.
In a slight blink of an eye, 11 months has passed just like this.
What does this show me?
It just shows how busy we are with our own life and studies that time just fly past like this.

Yes 11 months has passed.
I’ve indeed ask myself tons of qns
Bout my feelings for you the past 11 months?
Have i given up on you before?
What am i thinking the past 11 months?
And of course many more..

And what are the answers to these questions?
Yes i have indeed thought of giving up on you before.
Because seriously at one point of a time, i felt like it was really painful to love someone like you.
Because you just don’t seems to care at all.
To me, from what i feel, it just seems like you do not even bother about my feelings at all
But that quarrel we had in Sept seems to be a turning point in our friendship and “relationship”
I feel the way you treated me after it happened, seems to change a lot.
I see yourself being more open to me, sharing with me more things than last time.
In the past, i remember that regardless of no matter what happens, u tend to keep everything inside
And you’ll always end up bursting at me, and i will just be down there, letting you being grumpy and being shot at.
But as time flies by,
i see you being able to control your emotions better.
I see that you are being more mature, especially when it comes to make decisions for yourself for your own future.
I see that you are being someone who is really caring, you may show u do not care, but in actual fact, you do care about people around you, just that you are just hard on the outside but soft on the inside.

I seriously want to apologise again..
Yes i know that you do not like to talk about negative past at all.
But i still have to bring this up..
I'm really very sorry for what happened in september..
Until today,
Somehow, i felt a small corner of mine inside of my heart feeling guilty towards that time..
Thinking of abandoning you..
Thinking about forgetting you..
It was something really ridiculous..

I'm seriously gonna look forward to our dates in december..
I wonder what do we have install for us for my this coming return?..
Let's make a meaningful one.

Love You,
Benben

Dearest Weishan,
A lot of indeed happened after we last have our last quarrel or cold war..
We’ve learnt how to treasure each other a lot more than usual..
I just have this feeling that we both realised how important each other is to each of us
We began telling each other that we love each other.. We miss each other..
But it became something that i’m so unsure of until now..
At times i wonder do u say it for the sake of saying it??
Or are you replying to whatever i’ve said to you??
Or do you actually mean it?..
I bet ya feel the same way as well to a certain extent..

I was glad that you actually consulted me on you transferring to poly nxt year..
And quitting innova..
Because to me, it seems that u do consider my opinion in ur actions..
And to me, like i said, no matter what decision u’ve made..
I’ll support you..
Because u just want to make some crucial decisions for yourself and try it out..
Which is a really good thing to do..

Recently, i was chatting on msn with one of ur very good friends..
And we exchanged blog url with each other..
I went to read hers..
And i realised that there's actually so much about you that i don't know of..
And instead of feeling surprised about it..
I was rather disappointed in myself..

I was thinking.. how am i gonna bring the fun and playful weishan out of her usual serious self that she portrays in front of me..
I just want to see that playfulness that u have inside of you..
The fun side of you..
Probably it's in me that i always bring up serious stuff and hence we talk about serious stuffs most of the time..
Or is it because of the pressure that i feel on the inside of me whenever i chat with u on msn or on the phone..
A lot of times, i just want to have a normal chat with you..
Find out how you’re doing and how has life been..
Most of the time when i call u on the phone, it's bcoz either one of us is not in good shape..

I wonder how will things be like nxt time..
But let's just take one step at a time eh =)

Anyway, i love you and i really miss you a lot..

I've apologised already..
But i somehow just feel u've changed..
I don't know to be happy or to be sad over it..

I'm just glad that i've apologised and said my piece to u..
it feels good just releasing everything inside..

I'm really glad that u answered my qn which i typed with my itchy fingers.
It really made my week.. or maybe even make my mth..

I really can't afford to lose u.. U mean so much to me..

My exams are over.. and i did well in it..
If benben can do it.. what more shan shan?? who's smarter than benben?.. hehe..
You'll really do well in the exams..
And u'll try ur best right??.. bcoz that's what u always tell me..
U've studied and risk so much of ur sleep just to study and prepare for it..
Ur efforts will pay off this time..

All the best ok??
U'll really do well in it..
=)

Peace At Last

Things have finally ended..
The bad things of course =)

But a few things that i'm fully aware of are that i'm still upset with myself about are..

i've made u feel insecure for sure bcoz of my actions and the words that i said..
i've left a scar inside of u..
i've said really mean stuff towards u..
i'm seriously still really bothered about it..
i may pretend to be normal or happy.. but deep inside.. i feel remorse and regret.

after whatever i've said..
i seriously can't believe that u still want me back..
and u were having confidence in me..
but as of myself.. i have none inside at all..
i seriously felt like i've disappointed u..
i thought u are going to be out of my life for good..
i've even thought of letting u go..

it was totally really painful..
really really painful..
even now, after that night, u say u want to wait for me..
there is ths cloud inside.. that it's really hard to explain..
it's like the cloud of anxiety.. a cloud that is full of nth but regrets..

even tho from what i believe, u'll not be able to know of this or read this..
but i just really want to sincerely apologise to you..
and at the same time, thank you for giving me another chance..

i really wan to turn back now..

but it's already too late..

i can't afford to hurt u again..

in the end, i was the biggest fool after all..

i'm really sorry..
i seriously didn't mean to hurt u..
i'm really really speechless..

i don't desrve to be loved by u..
just let me go..

u deserve someone better..
not a guy like me.

i wanted to tell u i'm sorry..
but i seriously can't say it out..
the past week has been terrible for me..
it was dark..
totally lost..

i've lost my light..

Last night was a great time chatting with u..
But u really said some extremely hurtful things to me..

I may act like i'm not affected by it..
But in acutal fact..
When u say that sentence out..
I was totally devastated..
I really feel like crying..
It make me feel so useless of myself..
"Ben, i'll never ever like u"
That sentence kept on repeating inside my head..
It was really awful..

But seriously speaking..
I'm really glad that u didn't mean it..
And u actually go against ur pride to say that it wasn't true..

I feel really good..
5 hours of chatting.. WOW..
That's extremely long..

I'm really scared to call u..
I really want to hear your voice.. i really can't remember it as much now..
I remember the last time i called u was in may..
After your exams that day..
You sounded really excited..
That phone call reminded me of that time when i called u during ur prom..
As you were walking home alone so late at night..
and i was talking to u as you walk home alone..
Just to make sure that you are safe..
I was sick then.. was downstairs at 7-11.. buying my supper and some panadol.
Really like that time chatting with u.. it was a fast conversation
but in acutal fact, it was a super long one..

But those were really good memories i can say..
And i'll never forget them..

A lot of times i really feel like you never care or bother about me..
Bcoz you always seem so neutral about it..
I always feel that it's just me liking u that's all..
Totally one-sided..
Maybe till today i maybe thinking too much??..
but maybe things could have changed..
maybe you are starting to like me??..
U said once a few mths ago that if in 5 years time ur feelings did not change for me,
you'll certainly choose me..
What does that mean?..
Do you actually have feelings for me now??..
I really wanna know..

But regardless of everything..
One thing i really know is..
you do care about me and you do cherish me..
I hope that you'll open up urself more to me one day..
especially when i return..
I wish that when i step into the airport..
you'll be there in front with everyone..
waiting for me to come out..
and as i step out..
I'll go towards you and hug u and say "i'm back"
i wish that you'll one day tell me how much i meant to u..

but will these days ever come??..
I really hope so..
And i hope that it's not just my willful thinking once again..
or another bigger disappointment again..