Peace At Last

Things have finally ended..
The bad things of course =)

But a few things that i'm fully aware of are that i'm still upset with myself about are..

i've made u feel insecure for sure bcoz of my actions and the words that i said..
i've left a scar inside of u..
i've said really mean stuff towards u..
i'm seriously still really bothered about it..
i may pretend to be normal or happy.. but deep inside.. i feel remorse and regret.

after whatever i've said..
i seriously can't believe that u still want me back..
and u were having confidence in me..
but as of myself.. i have none inside at all..
i seriously felt like i've disappointed u..
i thought u are going to be out of my life for good..
i've even thought of letting u go..

it was totally really painful..
really really painful..
even now, after that night, u say u want to wait for me..
there is ths cloud inside.. that it's really hard to explain..
it's like the cloud of anxiety.. a cloud that is full of nth but regrets..

even tho from what i believe, u'll not be able to know of this or read this..
but i just really want to sincerely apologise to you..
and at the same time, thank you for giving me another chance..

i really wan to turn back now..

but it's already too late..

i can't afford to hurt u again..

in the end, i was the biggest fool after all..

i'm really sorry..
i seriously didn't mean to hurt u..
i'm really really speechless..

i don't desrve to be loved by u..
just let me go..

u deserve someone better..
not a guy like me.

i wanted to tell u i'm sorry..
but i seriously can't say it out..
the past week has been terrible for me..
it was dark..
totally lost..

i've lost my light..

Last night was a great time chatting with u..
But u really said some extremely hurtful things to me..

I may act like i'm not affected by it..
But in acutal fact..
When u say that sentence out..
I was totally devastated..
I really feel like crying..
It make me feel so useless of myself..
"Ben, i'll never ever like u"
That sentence kept on repeating inside my head..
It was really awful..

But seriously speaking..
I'm really glad that u didn't mean it..
And u actually go against ur pride to say that it wasn't true..

I feel really good..
5 hours of chatting.. WOW..
That's extremely long..

I'm really scared to call u..
I really want to hear your voice.. i really can't remember it as much now..
I remember the last time i called u was in may..
After your exams that day..
You sounded really excited..
That phone call reminded me of that time when i called u during ur prom..
As you were walking home alone so late at night..
and i was talking to u as you walk home alone..
Just to make sure that you are safe..
I was sick then.. was downstairs at 7-11.. buying my supper and some panadol.
Really like that time chatting with u.. it was a fast conversation
but in acutal fact, it was a super long one..

But those were really good memories i can say..
And i'll never forget them..

A lot of times i really feel like you never care or bother about me..
Bcoz you always seem so neutral about it..
I always feel that it's just me liking u that's all..
Totally one-sided..
Maybe till today i maybe thinking too much??..
but maybe things could have changed..
maybe you are starting to like me??..
U said once a few mths ago that if in 5 years time ur feelings did not change for me,
you'll certainly choose me..
What does that mean?..
Do you actually have feelings for me now??..
I really wanna know..

But regardless of everything..
One thing i really know is..
you do care about me and you do cherish me..
I hope that you'll open up urself more to me one day..
especially when i return..
I wish that when i step into the airport..
you'll be there in front with everyone..
waiting for me to come out..
and as i step out..
I'll go towards you and hug u and say "i'm back"
i wish that you'll one day tell me how much i meant to u..

but will these days ever come??..
I really hope so..
And i hope that it's not just my willful thinking once again..
or another bigger disappointment again..

I still miss u..
All the time we've spent together..
All the sms that we sent to each other..

Somehow that day, when we chatted via sms..
The feeling was really good..
I really miss those times when we sms each other the whole day..
And my bill will burst =.=" hahaha
it was really fun times that i have..
Really enjoy reading them..

I remember that at the end of the day,
Even when something bad happens,
i will read those sms that we sent..
To read them once again feel really good..
Bcoz i really had fun..
And at times, i'll laugh at myself saying..
"Oh man, i've made a fool of myself in front of her again" LOL..

those were indeed the days..
I wonder this time when i return in dec..
Will i ever get to experience such thing again??..
Will everything be the same as last time..
1 year is a long time..
But will it be enough for lots of changes??
Will there be changes??..
Will u even have time for me??.
Or what more even remember me??..

I just don't know what to do now..

21st July

Dear Weishan,
Soon, it's gonna be 7 mths since i've left singapore for australia already..
Time really flies eh..

Till today, i have to say something..
I still haven't change at all yet..
But i've actually realised that i've become a really better person..
More like a man now (haha)
Behaving more like a grown up, but still having tons of crap =.="

And i really take my hat off u..
Having that same old charm in you..
That Make me so madly in love with u for almost a year..
Time really flies..
Seriously, i still love u alot..

A lot of times, i really want to give up..
But just remembering what i said to u all these while really kept me going on..
I'm not gonna give up and fulfill my dream..

These past few weeks,
i've been chatting a lot with my friends..And they've been asking me all about you..
I am really excited to share how great u are to my friends..
But apparently,
they used to encourage me..
But now, they are discouraging me..
At first, i was really reluctant..
Really upset with what they told me..
They used to support me to wooing u..
But how come they are not now??..

Today, i've finally realised..
Seen the whole thing myself..
I'm sick and tired of this one sided love..
It's just about me loving you.. having this feelings for you..
U told me that u hardly forget anything that you say..
But me too, i have a really good memory..
Sad to say, but maybe you have forgotten about what u told me already..
About what u said during that time in may..
Telling me how much u miss me..
Telling me that if u still have feelings for me, u'll be with me nxt time..
But it seems like u are not showing it out..

Seriously now, my mind is in a total blank..
i really don't know what to do..
you may think that i'm just being really insecure..
But seriously speaking.. let me share with u something..
I can't bring myself to tell u or let you know about this..
But if i were to say out to you, u'll be put in the spot..
I won't allow u to be put in the spot by my friends bcoz of me and what u told me..
I'll protect u with all i can..
But...
I've decided..
that if you show now signs of feelings for me at all when i return..
That's it..
It's all over between me and you..
I'm really confuse now..

I really needed someone's opinion..
So i mentioned to 2 people about this prob i was having..
Apparently, she told me that i shld give up on u..
One of my bros as well, he told me, you are just playing with my feelings..
I got really upset with hearing this..
And reading what u type to me just really hurts me..
maybe lets say i don't understand u well enough??
are u saying those things on purpose???
Or are you just being honest and being ignorant and not knowing the consequences behind it all??
I feel like a frog in the well..
Really pain inside as well..
Both of my friends told me if i don't feel good, just cry..
But i told them this..
It's too painful for me to cry already..
Really too painful..
I've forgotten how to cry already??..

Am i the only one in the end just putting in all i can into this??
Or are u doing the same as well?

Am i just being stupid to wait for u foolishly??
Or are we actually waiting for each other..

I seriously wanna know..
hai....

I really want to spent more time with u..
Hope that u can give me time..
But when i'm overseas, u've already disappointed me time and again..
i may say it's ok..
but i'm hurt.. really hurt

talking to a few friends really make me learnt more about myself..
I used to think that others have bad impression of me..
but now, it seems like i'm being loved and supported and praised by everyone..
Telling me how good am i in each factor..
Telling me that i'm the perfect boyfriend..
Telling me how great i really am..
Telling me how much the want a guy like me..
But too bad i always disapoint them by saying i'm for someone already..
I am allowing u to be selfish..
Keeping me for u all by urself..
Bcoz i really love u
I really hope that you can learn to cherish me..
Just like how i've cherish u all this while..
I don't wish to lose someone like you one day..
could you bear to lose me one day too?

I just have to say this in conclusion..
I really love you.. Do you love me too??..
Can u at least hint me with something..??
or do you want to bring me down and make fun of me as much as u can before u can say anything??
I'm confused..
Or maybe i can say i don't know you well enough??..
Enlighten me can??

I have to be really honest with you now..
I really feel extremely broken..
I've known that you have told me some things about your feelings,
and i really feel that something is not right..
i just feel whether is it just me or do you mean it?..
i don't know who to trust now..

After today, no matter what happens after this..
Just remember this,
i'll always be there for you by your side
supporting u all the way thru..
I cherish every single moment i have with you..
talk to me if u need someone to talk to..
i'm always free..i can accompany u if u need someone to accompany you..
But if i'm around in singapore..
Will be there for you always.. =)

i'm all ready for ur answer..
No matter what it is..
I promised you that i'll be honest with u no matter what..
and i can like finally pour out my feelings for you..
After so long..

hope that i'll hear from you soon..
do take care k??..
Don't stone around again.. =)

back finally after 3 mths of MIA..


the past 3 mths was really dramatic..
a lot of things had happened..
You and I had already started school..
Been busy with out own things..


Initially i remembered when you've told me in march..
that day really hurt me a lot..
i've been thinking a lot since that day..
there were even occasions when i just wanted to give up..
and get on with my own life..
without even bothering about u anymore..
i feel that it was too cruel to me..
to have to be so far away from you..
so to ease that pain.. i must forget all about u..
but each time u were online.. and after chatting with u more..
i dont know why was it that
that thought will just disappear..
and feel that i really really want to know u alot better..


i also don't know what was in my mind during that period of time..
each time i was feeling extremely down and lonely..
i actually remembered that you are behind me,
supporting me all the way back from singapore..

have u ever thought about what was the worst thing that you can ever tell a guy..
a guy who loves u so much..
it is to find another girl..
another girl that will suit him better..
those words are just too cruel..
____________________________________


A few days ago..
when you suddenly told me that u miss me alot..
looking forward for me to return..
i really didnt expect you to say that..
the most shocking part was when u told me that
5 years later if your feelings for me doesn't change.. u will certainly choose me..
I really dont know what to say..
I am just shocked..
And we will really cherish each other..
that's what i really hope..
that night when u told me this..
i really felt a lot better in my heart..
i just didnt know what was i to feel..
but it was like in my heart..
there was one spot that was missing all these while..
but now it was filled.. =)


Last night, it was about being honest with each other..
I will be honest with you.. as long as you are honest with me..
We both do respect each other right?..
I know we do..
I remember you asked me about what is the possibility that i won't have feelings for you anymore..
i've thought about it once u asked me that question..
i asked myself.. do i really love this girl alot..
will i ever not have feelings for this girl.. is there a possibility??..
After much thought, i've answered 0.. and that was the true answer from my heart..
were u being not having confidence in me??.. or are you just testing me??..
To me, it doesnt matter.. i'll just try my best..
To be who i really am.. to support u all the way thru..


I was really shocked and extremely happy
when you told me that u've taken me seriously..
and that when u are with me, you feel extremely secure..
i hope that as long as we both cherish each other,
i'll provide u with all the security u need..
be there with u.. supporting u.. encouraging you..
provide u with all the care and concern you need..

Like what i've told you..
Each time i chat with you.. i feel extremely at ease..
Knowing that you are doing well just really make me feel that i do not need to worry.
I may worry about you a lot.. Nag at you alot..
But it's all for your own good eh.. LOL..
Who is this girl who is so special is what i always ask myself..
Who is this girl that you are willing to change so much for??..
Who is this girl who makes u feel so motivated and encouraged each time u talk to her?..
i wonder..
But one thing i know is i really love this girl alot..

At times, i dont know if feeling this way was being insecure or what..
But after this week..
I feel really great..
Knowing more about the feelings that you have towards me..
Can u tell me more about yourself??..
I bet u know me more than i know u right??..
I really miss u..