I still miss u..
All the time we've spent together..
All the sms that we sent to each other..

Somehow that day, when we chatted via sms..
The feeling was really good..
I really miss those times when we sms each other the whole day..
And my bill will burst =.=" hahaha
it was really fun times that i have..
Really enjoy reading them..

I remember that at the end of the day,
Even when something bad happens,
i will read those sms that we sent..
To read them once again feel really good..
Bcoz i really had fun..
And at times, i'll laugh at myself saying..
"Oh man, i've made a fool of myself in front of her again" LOL..

those were indeed the days..
I wonder this time when i return in dec..
Will i ever get to experience such thing again??..
Will everything be the same as last time..
1 year is a long time..
But will it be enough for lots of changes??
Will there be changes??..
Will u even have time for me??.
Or what more even remember me??..

I just don't know what to do now..

21st July

Dear Weishan,
Soon, it's gonna be 7 mths since i've left singapore for australia already..
Time really flies eh..

Till today, i have to say something..
I still haven't change at all yet..
But i've actually realised that i've become a really better person..
More like a man now (haha)
Behaving more like a grown up, but still having tons of crap =.="

And i really take my hat off u..
Having that same old charm in you..
That Make me so madly in love with u for almost a year..
Time really flies..
Seriously, i still love u alot..

A lot of times, i really want to give up..
But just remembering what i said to u all these while really kept me going on..
I'm not gonna give up and fulfill my dream..

These past few weeks,
i've been chatting a lot with my friends..And they've been asking me all about you..
I am really excited to share how great u are to my friends..
But apparently,
they used to encourage me..
But now, they are discouraging me..
At first, i was really reluctant..
Really upset with what they told me..
They used to support me to wooing u..
But how come they are not now??..

Today, i've finally realised..
Seen the whole thing myself..
I'm sick and tired of this one sided love..
It's just about me loving you.. having this feelings for you..
U told me that u hardly forget anything that you say..
But me too, i have a really good memory..
Sad to say, but maybe you have forgotten about what u told me already..
About what u said during that time in may..
Telling me how much u miss me..
Telling me that if u still have feelings for me, u'll be with me nxt time..
But it seems like u are not showing it out..

Seriously now, my mind is in a total blank..
i really don't know what to do..
you may think that i'm just being really insecure..
But seriously speaking.. let me share with u something..
I can't bring myself to tell u or let you know about this..
But if i were to say out to you, u'll be put in the spot..
I won't allow u to be put in the spot by my friends bcoz of me and what u told me..
I'll protect u with all i can..
But...
I've decided..
that if you show now signs of feelings for me at all when i return..
That's it..
It's all over between me and you..
I'm really confuse now..

I really needed someone's opinion..
So i mentioned to 2 people about this prob i was having..
Apparently, she told me that i shld give up on u..
One of my bros as well, he told me, you are just playing with my feelings..
I got really upset with hearing this..
And reading what u type to me just really hurts me..
maybe lets say i don't understand u well enough??
are u saying those things on purpose???
Or are you just being honest and being ignorant and not knowing the consequences behind it all??
I feel like a frog in the well..
Really pain inside as well..
Both of my friends told me if i don't feel good, just cry..
But i told them this..
It's too painful for me to cry already..
Really too painful..
I've forgotten how to cry already??..

Am i the only one in the end just putting in all i can into this??
Or are u doing the same as well?

Am i just being stupid to wait for u foolishly??
Or are we actually waiting for each other..

I seriously wanna know..
hai....

I really want to spent more time with u..
Hope that u can give me time..
But when i'm overseas, u've already disappointed me time and again..
i may say it's ok..
but i'm hurt.. really hurt

talking to a few friends really make me learnt more about myself..
I used to think that others have bad impression of me..
but now, it seems like i'm being loved and supported and praised by everyone..
Telling me how good am i in each factor..
Telling me that i'm the perfect boyfriend..
Telling me how great i really am..
Telling me how much the want a guy like me..
But too bad i always disapoint them by saying i'm for someone already..
I am allowing u to be selfish..
Keeping me for u all by urself..
Bcoz i really love u
I really hope that you can learn to cherish me..
Just like how i've cherish u all this while..
I don't wish to lose someone like you one day..
could you bear to lose me one day too?

I just have to say this in conclusion..
I really love you.. Do you love me too??..
Can u at least hint me with something..??
or do you want to bring me down and make fun of me as much as u can before u can say anything??
I'm confused..
Or maybe i can say i don't know you well enough??..
Enlighten me can??

I have to be really honest with you now..
I really feel extremely broken..
I've known that you have told me some things about your feelings,
and i really feel that something is not right..
i just feel whether is it just me or do you mean it?..
i don't know who to trust now..

After today, no matter what happens after this..
Just remember this,
i'll always be there for you by your side
supporting u all the way thru..
I cherish every single moment i have with you..
talk to me if u need someone to talk to..
i'm always free..i can accompany u if u need someone to accompany you..
But if i'm around in singapore..
Will be there for you always.. =)

i'm all ready for ur answer..
No matter what it is..
I promised you that i'll be honest with u no matter what..
and i can like finally pour out my feelings for you..
After so long..

hope that i'll hear from you soon..
do take care k??..
Don't stone around again.. =)

back finally after 3 mths of MIA..


the past 3 mths was really dramatic..
a lot of things had happened..
You and I had already started school..
Been busy with out own things..


Initially i remembered when you've told me in march..
that day really hurt me a lot..
i've been thinking a lot since that day..
there were even occasions when i just wanted to give up..
and get on with my own life..
without even bothering about u anymore..
i feel that it was too cruel to me..
to have to be so far away from you..
so to ease that pain.. i must forget all about u..
but each time u were online.. and after chatting with u more..
i dont know why was it that
that thought will just disappear..
and feel that i really really want to know u alot better..


i also don't know what was in my mind during that period of time..
each time i was feeling extremely down and lonely..
i actually remembered that you are behind me,
supporting me all the way back from singapore..

have u ever thought about what was the worst thing that you can ever tell a guy..
a guy who loves u so much..
it is to find another girl..
another girl that will suit him better..
those words are just too cruel..
____________________________________


A few days ago..
when you suddenly told me that u miss me alot..
looking forward for me to return..
i really didnt expect you to say that..
the most shocking part was when u told me that
5 years later if your feelings for me doesn't change.. u will certainly choose me..
I really dont know what to say..
I am just shocked..
And we will really cherish each other..
that's what i really hope..
that night when u told me this..
i really felt a lot better in my heart..
i just didnt know what was i to feel..
but it was like in my heart..
there was one spot that was missing all these while..
but now it was filled.. =)


Last night, it was about being honest with each other..
I will be honest with you.. as long as you are honest with me..
We both do respect each other right?..
I know we do..
I remember you asked me about what is the possibility that i won't have feelings for you anymore..
i've thought about it once u asked me that question..
i asked myself.. do i really love this girl alot..
will i ever not have feelings for this girl.. is there a possibility??..
After much thought, i've answered 0.. and that was the true answer from my heart..
were u being not having confidence in me??.. or are you just testing me??..
To me, it doesnt matter.. i'll just try my best..
To be who i really am.. to support u all the way thru..


I was really shocked and extremely happy
when you told me that u've taken me seriously..
and that when u are with me, you feel extremely secure..
i hope that as long as we both cherish each other,
i'll provide u with all the security u need..
be there with u.. supporting u.. encouraging you..
provide u with all the care and concern you need..

Like what i've told you..
Each time i chat with you.. i feel extremely at ease..
Knowing that you are doing well just really make me feel that i do not need to worry.
I may worry about you a lot.. Nag at you alot..
But it's all for your own good eh.. LOL..
Who is this girl who is so special is what i always ask myself..
Who is this girl that you are willing to change so much for??..
Who is this girl who makes u feel so motivated and encouraged each time u talk to her?..
i wonder..
But one thing i know is i really love this girl alot..

At times, i dont know if feeling this way was being insecure or what..
But after this week..
I feel really great..
Knowing more about the feelings that you have towards me..
Can u tell me more about yourself??..
I bet u know me more than i know u right??..
I really miss u..

2 Months

2 months has past since that very day..

i was glad.. i was glad.. i was glad

i was glad to hear your voice on that very afternoon..
finally, you picked up my phone call..
after 3 wks of losing contact..
although that phone call did not last for 30s..
But i was glad that i have that 30s of your time..
just to hear your voice really melts me down on the inside..
it really made me realise that i miss you more that i thought i did

i'm so sorry for not being able to express myself all this time..
i really want to tell you how much i miss you but i can't bring myself to tell you about it..
i really really look down on myself at times..
for not been able to behave like a man..
to have the guts to say that i miss you
to say that i love you..

i'm so sorry..
please forgive me..

if i ever have the chance again.. just to talk to you for another 30s..
the first few words that i want to tell you is
that i love you
and i miss you..

31st Jan 3.06am

Dearest Weishan,
It’s been long since I send you an email already bah.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately,
A lot about you and me.
I wasn’t able to sleep well for the past week.

I really thought about it for a long time on whether should I tell you or not.
But from what I feel, I feel that you have all rights to know about it.
It’s not about a relationship between you and me.
It’s not about the one-sided love between you and me
It’s about our friendship.
I don’t know what really made me felt thinking this way,
But I really thought about it a lot of times,
To terminate the friendship that we have.

Sorry to say that I’ve thought about it this way
I asked myself a lot of times before finally making my conclusion
Why am I feeling this way?
What makes me think about it?
How can I get rid of this kind of thinking?

Even though more than a month has passed,
But I’m still not used to not having your presence around me at all.
It seems the same feeling as not been able to feel my heart beat for a few seconds,
Like something crucial is really missing.

I wish to go back to the past,
Where we could sms with each other all day and all night
With me entertaining you, concern about you
And you been entertained by me and my nonsense

I really really miss you a lot.
I wish you could be by my side now
Or just that little presence.
I had enough of those things coming out of my eyes.
It’s too much for me to bear everything.
I can’t take it anymore.
It’s torturing me very badly.

But too bad I don’t intend to let you even see this.
I don’t want you to worry.
I just want you to feel that I’m ok here
And I’m enjoying myself a lot
And studying hard here

One of my wishes,
Is to have you by my side as long as I could
Or even have you by my side now.
Just a second of it and I’ll be satisfied
I love you girl…=(

How about you?
Do you feel the same way too?
I always wanted to know how you really feel
Towards me
If you’ve forgotten about me the past month,
Let me know,
I don’t’ mind
Just put my mind at ease

25th Jan

Dearest Weishan,
It has been a long time since I email you already eh.. haha..
So sorry that I didn’t.. I was extremely busy with so many things.. hehe..
Most things are in regards to application to my student visa as well as moving of my house.. haha..
Well, up till today, my student visa still haven’t been approved yet..
Hmm, but I just need my dad to sign one last document and my application is totally perfect.. hehe..
Sad mah?? Haha.. bcoz you can’t see or sms or chat with me for the next few years.. =X
It was an extremely tiring process for me,
I even went to the immigration, met an officer for like erm 4 to 5 times already and still it’s not approved.. but now, I’m smart.. haha.. asked and set an appointment before hand..
No need to queue up so long and get disappointing results..

Talking about results, I’m glad that you did well.. 17 for you R5.. It’s very good results..
Hope that was the desire marks that you wanted initially
Well, sorry for not been able to tell you my marks.. haha..
It was rather disappointing.. I didn’t get any A(s) at all, including my high hoped F&N where not a single soul got an A for it at all..
I got 4 B3s, 1 B4, 1 C6 and 1 D7.. I was really very surprised by the drastic improvement that I had.. hehe..
My english, chinese, f&n and Combined Humans got B3,
Maths with a B4
Combined Science was C6
And POA was D7..

When you told me just now that you would like to apply for PJC,
I was thinking about going to a JC as well..
I don’t know why but it just came to my mind.
I remember PJC came to me and offered me a deal of if I get R5 below 25, they would take me in, as long as I play badminton for them.. LOL… Kinda cool eh.. hehe..
But too bad I told straight to the teachers’ and senior’s face that “sorry, I’m an ITE boy:” LOL!!!
I still can’t believe that I told them that.. haha.. but I really did last time.. =.=
So I thought of maybe go join you at PJ?? Haha.. or go to RP?? Hehe..
But that’s only if I’m in Singapore.. but now, I’m here in Australia continuing with my studies..
And let me share with you something,
One of the goals which I wrote on my goal setting card this year was to be the top student in my school for my course.. I just don’t know why but if God can make me make it to do this well for my O lvl, what more my studies here in Australia and doing something that I’m really good at.. Cooking..
OH YAR!! Talking about cooking, I haven’t tried yours yet and you haven’t tried mine either..
Too bad.. Remember I told you last time that I’ll be back in Singapore..?? It’s true.. I’ll be back.. and the date is sort of confirm.. but sadly to say it’s not around your birthday your period of time.. there are no holidays during that period of time..

A new phone’s gonna be coming to my hands soon.. hehe.. it’s the latest Nokia N95-8GB..
Cost AU$1200 here.. but my mum told me that she can’t get it for me now.. but I understand the situation that she is in now..
In order to send me here to study.. my mum has to pay MINDEF in Singapore a bond of S$75,000..
Just to ensure that I go back for my NS in 2.5 years time after my course.. if not, the money goes to MINDEF and in my whole life, I can never step into singapore ever again.. And if I do, I’ll be arrested on the spot once I step into singapore..

And to raise that money, my mum is like having loan for more than 5 of her jie mei just to pay for the bond and my course here..
But don’t worry, I’ll be back for my army.. And after my NS, just wait.. I’ll be wooing you.. =X
After paying for the rent of my place here in Cloverdale, me and my mum’s boyfriend have been very broke.. We are daily surviving on eating bread with cheese or butter.. maggie mee, eggs or just biscuits only for all 3 meals.. But I don’t know why, despite no matter how little I eat here, my stomach seems to feel very full.. Maybe God fills it up with “spiritual food”..

I’ve also been training very hard in my badminton.. I want to be Western Australia’s Top U-18 badminton player.. I want to see how far can I go..
Like what I told you, I used to think that I’m no good in badminton, no one ever notice that I can play badminton well.. But when I came here, it was like full of praises towards me..
Even my coach, he say that he have confidence that I’ll strive well in badminton and has been training me lot more than anyone around..
It’s like no one has ever told me those things before.. I feel my confidence has been building up a lot on badminton..
Somemore with your encouragement, I feel even better..
I even felt like I can play better.. Much better and steadier that I used to be..
Maybe it was something that I really lacked off all along..
It was people to see me.. tell me that they have confidence in me.. Giving me encouragement..